What did we do last night that was yellow?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
