did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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