How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
