Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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