I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
