I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
