I could have mohawked her pubes.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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