I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
