my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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