Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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