I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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