You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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