I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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