Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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