I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
her facebook's as public as her vagina
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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