Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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