I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
