She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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