Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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