Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She's the barista slut.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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