No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
