Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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