Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize