best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize