If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
