ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
