I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
