im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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