i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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