Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
