Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
