I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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