You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
