Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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