This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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