well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
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Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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