I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize