it was like his penis was on wheels.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
