my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
