guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Shame - the story of my life.
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