I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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