why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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