Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
