you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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