apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
