I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
