Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
