My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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