Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
