i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
