I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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