hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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