just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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