This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
two words...techno handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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