Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
