if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
