Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
