Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
