Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
