I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she told me i tasted like america
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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