Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
