you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
