i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Too much gin, very little bucket
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
