I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
