Someone shit on the floor
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
