Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
