Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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