While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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