in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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