I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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