I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
