im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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